Saturday, May 2, 2009


This is an open letter to all other citizens of the United States: our Governor is better looking than your Governor.
That's it- period.
No questions asked.
In fact, our Governor is a pretty hot chick. Of course, in Alaska, any womanstanding on both legs and having her own teeth is ususally a hot enough babe towe single guys living here. Still, Governor Palin is exceptional. Despite glasses and an educated aura about her, she is still a sensuous beauty. The glasses and her aura just make her seem wonderfully chaste and pure just like Catholic girls in their plaid skirts seemed to us boys in the non-parochial schools. Chaste and pure, that's a personification our last GovernorMurkowski could never have pulled off. Palin is also quite curvy, but we're not supposed to notice that in our leader. The male in us notices it anyway; we can't help it.
Now this isn't that Ms. Palin isn't a solid pretender to the throne.She paid her dues being the mayor of Wasilla, which is the Chicago of Alaska. Itis a commuter community to Anchorage (our New York), yet stands on its own feet as a lovely place made even lovelier by Ms. Palin's presence. It is not like we in Alaska, being around 65% male, elected her solely for her looks and charm, although it was real nice seeing those campaign posters of her sweet smile all over town. With such a cultured person as Ms. Palin in power we are apt to explode several myths the rest of America has about Alaska at once. A lot of these illusions are going to fall like dominoes now, starting with;

A. We are male dominated- Remember, the meanest critters in our woods are theFEMALE bears and moose. The Alaskan human female falls in line somewhere afterthe wolverine.
B. All Alaskans are ugly.- It has long been rumored that we all were hit a fewtoo many times with the bad end of an ugly stick. Take a good look at Ms. Palinto realize the error of that belief, but not too long. She is OURS, we saw herfirst.
C. We are backwoods ignoramuses.- No we isn't!! Ms. Palin embodees all thekarackeristiks that a big city girl needs- sofustication, charmm, edumicationand poize. We don't need no more than that. And the meaning of 'bigcity' in Alaska means any place with its own fire department, library andindoor plumbing.
D. We are not intellectuals.- Ms. Palin wears glasses and looks smart. Thatmeans she is an intellectual in our book. That's good enough.
E. That we are all hicks.- OK, you got us on that one. She isn't JesusChrist for crying out loud! You can't always make wine out of water.
F. That Alaska is redneck country.- Does that sweet neck look red? The worst you'll see adorning her shoulders is a quivit scarf. However she does have an anchor tattoo on her upper arm- but you are not supposed to know that.

The electing of a female governor in Alaska might bring about a whole new era in our history. Maybe men here will start exploring their feminine side and you will start seeing Alaskan males knitting lace doilies for their log furniture instead of tanning moose hides during the long winter months. Trappers will reexamine their professions and start using catch and release methods. Solar panels and wind generators will sprout everywhere replacing generations of dependence on oil drilling and wood stove heat. The lion shall lie down with the lamb, or, in our case, the grizzly with the salmon, if that is possible. Alaskans will band together, secede from the union and become our own country-oops, you weren't supposed to know about that either. We can't have Homeland Security knowing about our 'Alaskans for Seceding from the Union and Joining Canada Party'.
Of course, it is not that I'm playing a game of one upmanship by all this. Just because our state is far bigger than any of yours, has more pristine wilderness than yours does and has a higher percentile income doesn't mean that I am getting snooty on you. We will always give the lower 48 states creditfor having warmer winters, but then, almost anybody else would including Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. You folks have the greater agricultural yield, although pot is legal here now and we might surpass you on that count soon. You 'southerners' do have more good looking women than we do, which is a very sore point with us, but, like the lonely soldiers of WW II alone in distant lands, we now have our own pinup girl to help us get through our long, lonely winters. However, just to be neighborly, you could still send us some of your women and thereby maybe help keep us in the union.


  1. Nice one, Roger. Congrats on the new blog. As a Canadian, I probably shouldn't stick my nose in (since we're supposed to be polite and all). But by my reckoning, you folks can't secede because the whole state is on the federal dole, except for Ted Stephens, of course.

  2. Roger as a Southerner and proud of it ,I would have to agree about the ugly, brainless and dominating female slant on your piece. Nice of you to clear up that theory and keep up the good work. Pete Oconnor